It doesn’t matter how my affair began. I thought I had a good reason, or at least, I convinced myself that I did. But eventually I realized that there was no good reason to have an affair and when I really thought about what I was doing to my marriage and my husband, I ended it.
I have to say that I was in love with both the other man and my husband. So when I ended the affair, I was a mess.
First, I had to confess to my husband about the affair which was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I knew all of the “cheating signs” very well so I was extremely careful to avoid them and my husband’s suspicions were never raised. So when I told him, he was stunned.
I could see how hurt, sad, betrayed and devastated he was. The expression on his face made me feel as if I had put a knife through his heart. He had a million questions, of course, and I did my best to answer all of them as honestly as I could without going into the unpleasant specifics. I withstood his pained tirade because I knew he had to get it out and that I deserved it.
When he stopped raging, he just collapsed in his chair and sobbed. I promised him that the affair was over and I apologized profusely, often and sincerely, and I asked for his forgiveness or at least time, if he was willing, to let me prove to him that I wanted our marriage to work.
He said he needed to think about what he wanted to do.
Our children were in college so it wasn’t as if he needed me around to be there for the kids, so if he wanted me to stay, it was going to be because, despite my indiscretion, he still loved me and wanted me to be his wife.
The next day he told me that he wanted to try to work it out but that he had some conditions. We sat and talked and he told me that he wanted to have total access to all of my e-mail accounts, any other websites I subscribed to, that he would review my cell phone calls, bank accounts, credit card statements and that he would be checking on me often. I immediately agreed and gave him all of the information he felt he wanted or needed.
We both knew it was going to be a long time before I could regain his trust. And although I knew he would never forget the affair, I prayed that eventually he would forgive me.
Whenever I left the house, I told him exactly where I was going and when I would be coming back. If I was going to be even a few minutes late, I called him to let him know so he wouldn’t have a minute of doubt.
Slowly, very slowly, we began to go back to the way our life was earlier in our marriage. He became more attentive and I showed him how much I loved him and cared for him even more often than I would tell him. It was almost six months before we tentatively made love again. We both cried knowing what the other was thinking. But the next time we made love, it was with more love and passion than we had had in a very long time.
It’s been three years since our marriage began anew after my affair and our marriage is stronger in so many ways. I sometimes still miss my lost love but I am so grateful for the second chance I was gifted with by my husband and I’m thankful for every minute we have together.